Child Abuse Secrets   

Most abused and neglected children never come to the attention of government authorities.

This is particularly true for neglected and sexually abused children, who may have no physical signs of harm. In the case of sexual abuse, secrecy and intense feelings of shame may prevent children, and adults aware of the abuse, from seeking help.       

Therefore, official government statistics do not indicate actual rates of child abuse.       

In short, official government statistics are only “the tip of the iceberg.”       

Despite the lack of so-called hard evidence though, I think we all agree that child abuse is an epidemic that has to be stopped.       

Here are some ways you can help prevention child abuse inside and outside your home.

Daycare abuse

If your child spends any amount of time away from your care — whether he’s with a babysitter or a relative, or at daycare or preschool — it’s natural to wonder whether he’s safe. And like any parent, you’ve probably wondered whether you’d be able to tell if your child was being mistreated. Of course, you can keep an eye out for physical symptoms and behavioral changes that may point to abuse, but it can be tricky figuring out exactly what’s going on.

If your child is old enough to talk, child abuse experts suggest regularly asking your child questions such as, “Did anything happen to you today that you didn’t like?” or “Have you ever been frightened at daycare?” If he’s in the habit of telling you what makes him uncomfortable, he’ll be more likely to tell you if anything is seriously amiss. When it comes to abuse and neglect, most kids tell the truth but in most cases, they are reluctant. They don’t want to get the person in trouble. They feel guilty; they feel it happened because they were bad, claim child abuse experts.       

If your toddler isn’t talking well enough to tell you what’s going on, pinpointing abuse can be even more difficult. What you can do is keep a close eye on your child for signs that all is not well. Some parents discover signs of abuse — such as internal bleeding and injuries — only when they take their child to a pediatrician because he won’t stop crying or is excessively fussy. Here are some signals to watch for.       

A child who has been physically abused may cry and put up a fight when it’s time to go to daycare, or appear frightened around the caregiver or other adults and/or come home with unexplained bruises, abrasions, burns, broken bones, black eyes, cuts, bite marks, or other injuries. Repeated injuries of any type can be a warning sign.       

A child who has been emotionally abused may display behavioral problems or changes such as shunning a parent’s affections — or, alternately, becoming excessively clingy — or acting angry or depressed. Abused children often show extremes in behavior: A normally outgoing and assertive child may become unusually compliant and passive, while a generally mild child may act in a demanding and aggressive manner. An abused child may also become less talkative or stop communicating almost completely, or display signs of a speech disorder such as stuttering.       

Further, an emotionally abused child may act inappropriately adult or infantile. For example, a toddler may either become overly protective and “parental” toward other children, or revert to rocking and head banging.       

He may also be delayed physically or emotionally, walking or talking later than expected or continuing to have regular temper tantrums. But since every child develops at a different rate, it can be difficult to determine whether a developmental delay stems from abuse.       

And an emotionally abused child may complain of headaches or stomachaches that have no medical cause.       

A child who has been sexually abused may have pain, itching, bleeding, or bruises in or around the genital area, difficulty walking or sitting, possibly because of genital or anal pain and suffer from urinary tract infections, or suddenly start wetting the bed.       

He or she may also be reluctant to take off his coat or sweater, even on a hot day, or insist on wearing multiple undergarments and demonstrate sexual knowledge, curiosity, or behavior beyond his age (obsessive curiosity about sexual matters, for example, or seductive behavior toward peers or adults).       

Basically, if your instincts tell you your child may have been abused then consult an expert such as your child’s pediatrician.       

How do you find a safe person or place to care for your child?       

Take your time and investigate your choices when looking for a caregiver. Interview childcare providers in person; ask plenty of questions, and visit daycare centers more than once at different times of the day. Make sure the facility is clean and safe. Look closely to see whether the kids are happy and whether interactions between them and caregivers are positive and respectful. Ask about the caregiver’s policies on parent visits, discipline, and emergency situations.       

Get the names and numbers of parents who are currently using the care facility and those who have used it in the past. Call and ask for their honest assessment of the caregiver’s reliability, disciplinary practices, and responsiveness to their concerns. If their child is no longer attending the facility, ask why.

Parental abuse

Are you abusing your child and not even realizing that you are?       

Many parents think they are decent parents but are actually abusing their children.       

Are you lashing out at your children?       

Are you even hitting them?       

If so, you may be abusing your children without even realizing it.       

Here so some alternatives to hitting or lashing out at your children.       

Take a deep breath... and another. Then remember you are the adult.       

Close your eyes and imagine you’re hearing what your child is about to hear.       

Press your lips together and count to 10... or better yet, to 20.      

Put your child in a time-out chair (remember this rule: one time-out minute for each year of age.)       

Put yourself in a time-out chair. Think about why you are angry: is it your child, or is your child simply a convenient target for your anger?      

Phone a friend.       

If someone can watch the children, go outside and take a walk.      

Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.       

Hug a pillow.      

Turn on some music. Maybe even sing along.      

Pick up a pencil and write down as many helpful words as you can think of. Save the list.       

Call 1-800-CHILDREN for help.

For new parents     

To be sure that you do not start out as an abusive parent, here are some tips.      

Get as much rest as possible. Sleep when the baby sleeps, and moms and dads take turns sleeping late on weekend mornings.

Eat nutritious meals. If a neighbor or friend offers to help, ask him or her to bring you dinner or do your grocery shopping.      

Join a parenting group. You will learn about caring for your baby, and you will meet other parents who share your interests and concerns.      

Don’t expect too much from yourself. Housework won’t always get done, but eventually you will get back to a routine.      

Call your doctor or clinic with any questions or concerns you may have. This will save you from needless worry.      

Visitors can be helpful, but don’t let them interrupt your rest or your family time together.      

Dads -- don’t let mothers have all the fun. Spend lots of time caring for and playing with baby. The rewards are great!

Other parents abusing their children      

If you suspect a friend is abusing his or her children, offer to talk things over with the parent if the abuse is not serious yet.     

Might you take the children for a few hours or even overnight to give the parent who is lashing out at her or his children some respite from child care?      

Might you arrange play dates so you and the other parents can take care of the children together?      

And just talking things through will give the abusive parent a way to handle her child rearing problems without lashing out at her child.  
If you suspect though that the abuse of a parent’s child has gone beyond lashing out at a child then you must report the abuse to the proper authorities – especially if the child shows signs of physical or sexual abuse.      

You can help protect your own child from abuse.      

You can also help prevent other children from being abused.

~ SafetyIssues Staff Writer